Trials of Shish Kebab: A New Talk Show
by Cheesey Goodness
Summary: A Cirque du Freak fic in which the characters are tortured with interviews and...THE TRIALS OF SHISH KEBAB! New victimserm...guests every chapter.
1. Being of the Chapter First

**Trials of Shish Kebab: A New Talk Show**

**Okie dokies! We've decided to start a new talk show, this time with the cast of...dun dun dun! Cirque du Freak! So sit back and let us...uh...do our thing? I...guess...**

**Disclaimer: We, quite obviously, don't own anything. Because if we did, then...wow...**

**A/N: Kaitlin and Stephanie equals Cheesey Goodness**

Stephanie: Lights!

Kaitlin: Camera!

Both: ACTION!

Kaitlin: Okay...That was cheesy...

Stephanie: Yes...Well, welcome to TRIALS OF SHISH KEBAB: A NEW TALK SHOW.

Kaitlin: Different guest appearances every time!

Stephanie: And we are your hosts.

Kaitlin: Yes we are...

Silence.

Stephanie: Uh...Today we will be interviewing Darren Shan!

Darren: -walks on stage- Um...Hello?

Kaitlin: Yeah, yeah. Sit!

Darren: -sits-

Stephanie: -to Kaitlin- Don't we have any chairs?

Kaitlin: Naw.

Stephanie: Oh...-to Darren-You can just stay there on the floor!

Kaitlin: Next guest! Mr. Larten Crepsley!

Mr. Crepsley: -walks on stage- Where the hell am I?! WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!

Stephanie: Calm down! Must we restrain you?

Kaitlin: I shall...not...be restrained.

Stephanie: Not you! But, maybe...

Mr. Crepsley: -sits next to Darren-

Stephanie: -presses button-

Button: That was easy.

Kaitlin: Let's move on to the questions!

Stephanie: Yes, alright...Darren. How's life been treating you?

Darren: Uhhhh...I dunno.

Stephanie: What an answer!

Kaitlin: Larten. What about you?

Mr. Crepsley: Grrr...

Kaitlin: Never mind!

Awkward silence.

Stephanie: And now...It is time for...THE TRIALS OF SHISH KEBAB! OWAH!

Darren: Excuse me?

Stephanie: You heard me.

Kaitlin: Darren. You will take part in five trials. THE TRIALS OF SHISH KEBAB! OWAH!

Stephanie: I shall randomly pick them from my own mind...Okay! First, you must complete the Trial: Tomato Tapioca. Go to the grocery store and buy the finest of the fine tomatoes.

Kaitlin: _Tomatoes_.

Darren: But-

Stephanie: No buts! Now march!

Kaitlin: _March._

Darren: Sir, yes, sir! –marches out door-

Camera man: -follows-

Stephanie: Good luck with that.

Kaitlin: _That_.

Stephanie: I don't need an echo, thanks!

**AT THE STORE**

Darren: I don't see what this has to do with tapioca...

Tomatoes: -are brown and mushy- Pick us! We are the finest of the fine!

Darren: Psh. Wannabes. –picks better tomatoes-

Wannabe Tomatoes: We shall meet...-voice morph-...again, Darren Shan. Muahaha!

**BACK ON STAGE**

Darren: -returns-I have gotten the tomatoes, Your Majesties!

Stephanie: Congratulations. You have passed Trial Number Tomato Tapioca.

Kaitlin: That's not a num—

Stephanie: Quiet, you!

Darren: So, what do I do now?

Kaitlin: You must complete the second Trial.

Stephanie: Which I will now select randomly from my mind...Aaaaalright. You got the Trial: Skewers or Stakes.

Darren: I have a bad feeling about this.

Kaitlin: You should!

Stephanie: You are charged to go and find skewers...But, not real skewers...Stakes.

Darren: Why?

Kaitlin: You'll find out!

Darren: But why am I finding stakes? Do you know how ironic that is for a vampire?

Stephanie: And I thought _you_ were slow, Kaitlin.

Kaitlin: Hey, shut up!

Stephanie: That was practically a compliment.

Darren: Wait, so that was an insult?

Stephanie: To you or her?

Darren: Me.

Kaitlin: Yes.

Darren: Ah...

Stephanie: Anyways! Go!

Darren: Fine...

**AT ANOTHER STORE**

Darren: Stakes...-finds stakes- -presses button-

Button: That was easy.

**BACK ON STAGE**

Darren: I have brought the stakes!

Stephanie: Good. Now for the next Trial. Randomly selecting one from my mind...Ah! Ooh...That one hurt...Uh...Your next Trial is Grillz.

Kaitlin: Smile fo me daddy.

Stephanie: KAITLIN!

Kaitlin: Sorry...-hums-

Stephanie: It's just good that you don't still like that song...

Kaitlin: Yeah...Good times...

Stephanie: Okay. Darren, you have to grill the shish kebabs to perfection. And don't even try to poison them because you're going to be the first to eat them. Larten, too.

Darren: Shit...-hides flask-

Kaitlin: Ready, steady...

Grill: -appears-

Kaitlin: Go!

Darren: -grills shish kebabs- Good thing I know how to cook.

Stephanie: -under breath- Cheater...

**LATER**

Darren: AAAAAAAAAAAH! I'm done...

Stephanie: Oh, joy...-looks bored-

Kaitlin: Why did that take so long?

Darren: Those tomatoes were just...so..._stuck up_.

Stephanie: They're...tomatoes...

Darren: Exactly!

Stephanie: Um...?

Kaitlin: NEXT!

Stephanie: Right. Selecting...randomly...mind...blah...Alright. You're going to go over there –points to large target painted on wall- and do the can-can with your little friend Larten.

Darren and Mr. Crepsley: WHAT?!

Kaitlin: You heard her! Get over there!

Darren and Mr. Crepsley: -walk over to wall-

Stephanie: -turns on random music- Now can-can! Can-can for your life!

Darren: Ew! I'm not touching him!

Mr. Crepsley: Um...This is extremely uncomfortable.

Darren: -to Mr. Crepsley-You old bean!

Stephanie: Being or bean?

Darren: BEAN!

Stephanie: Oh, that helped a lot!

Kaitlin: Ignore her! Just get this over with.

Darren and Mr. Crepsley: -can-can while attempting to stay far away from each other-

Stephanie: -yells over music- Okay! You've completed that! But, don't stop! Now you will do the fifth Trial: Throw the Shish Kebab Stakes at Darren and Larten.

Darren and Mr. Crepsley: WHAT?!

Kaitlin: You were just surprised in the same way as you were before the last Trial. Try something different.

Darren and Mr. Crepsley: BEAN?!

Kaitlin: Eh...Good 'nuff.

Darren and Mr. Crepsley: -continue doing the can-can-

Stephanie: Okay...Move a little to the left.

Darren and Mr. Crepsley: -move to the left while can-canning-

Kaitlin: Okay, ready?

Stephanie: SHOOT HIM!

Stephanie and Kaitlin: -chuck stake shish kebabs at Darren-

Darren: WOAH MY GOD! WOAH MY GOD! –runs around in circles-

Mr. Crepsley: -runs away screaming...like a girl!-

**LATER**

Darren: -sits crying in a corner-

Stephanie: Hey, Darren!-walks over-

Darren: -looks up-

Stephanie: Watch this.-yells-Hey, Kaitlin!

Kaitlin: Why are you way over there?

Stephanie: I dunno. Anyways, I was just wondering if you would like some of this Kenyan Surprise. –holds up glass of what looks like milk-

Kaitlin: Sure...

Stephanie: -hands Kaitlin glass-

Kaitlin: -drinks Kenyan Surprise- This tastes like milk. What the hell are you doing to me?!

Stephanie: Did you know that Kenyans often like to drink milk mixed with cow blood?

Kaitlin: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!

Darren: -laughs-

Stephanie: That's right! Here, Darren. You can have the rest.

Darren: YAY! –chugs it down-

Kaitlin: But, he's a vampire. He likes blood!

Stephanie: Exactly...

Darren: Well, I'll be going now! -leaves- Now to find Larten...

Stephanie: -chases- Wait! You must get your complimentary pens!

**And that's the end of that! That thing about the milk is true by the way.**

**Thank you with all my heart, Vicki for making this chapter possible!**

**Next chapter...Steve? R.V.? Who shall it be?**

**Please review. I'm even asking nicely!**


	2. Being of the Chapter Past First :Second:

**Trials of Shish Kebab: A New Talk Show**

**Chapter Two**

**Disclaimers: Darren Shan owns the Saga of Darren Shan as can easily be seen by even the stupidest of rabbits. Nor do I own Kim Possible or Abilify...  
**

Stephanie: We are back!

Kaitlin: Did you give them the complimentary pens?

Stephanie: Yes I did. They tried to flit...But I have connections with some powerful ninjas, and Darren and Larten got those pens right where the sun don't shine.

Kaitlin: Feeling violent today?

Stephanie: A bit.

Kaitlin: I'm sure.-pauses-Time to announce the guests!

Stephanie: Ah, yes. Darren cannot escape!

Darren: -is dragged onstage by security guards- No! I won't do it!

Kaitlin: You're the main character. You have to.

Stephanie: I don't think you can handle this kind of commitment, Darren.

Darren: WAAAAAHH! -sobs-

Security Guards: -force Darren into a straight jacket and drop him on the floor-

Darren: -rolls around-

Stephanie: And for our next guest, the main character's enemy/half-brother/the Vampaneze Lord...STEVE LEOP—LEONARD!

Loud applause emits from the audience.

Steve: -strolls onto stage- Thank you, thank you! –smiles-

Darren: -rolls onto stomach- Hi!

Steve: Oh my God, you! -growls- Oh my God, you! -cries- Oh my God, you! -laughs-

Kaitlin: -to Stephanie- You were very right when you said he was bipolar.

Stephanie: Now we need someone schizophrenic...

Steve: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!

Stephanie: Uh oh...Come on, plot. Hurry up!

Plot: -snore-

Kaitlin: Um...?

-antsinasnowstorm-

Stephanie: Take two...

Kaitlin: Darren and Steve!

Darren and Steve: -are thrown out from backstage and land on the floor-

Stephanie: Hi!

Steve: Where have you taken me, Shan?!

Darren: Psh. As if I would ever take you anywhere... -mumbles-

Steve: -shakes Darren- WHERE AM I?!

Kaitlin: You're on TRIALS OF SHISH KEBAB: A NEW TALK SHOW!

Stephanie: Different guest appearances every time!

Steve: -blank look-

Darren: You won't like it, if you were wondering.

Kaitlin: Let him decide that on his own, Darren.

Stephanie: -nudge, nudge, wink, wink-

R.V.: -runs on stage-

Steve: -pulls out arrow gun- ATTACK MY MINION!

R.V.: -charges at Stephanie and Kaitlin-

Kaitlin: ...?!

Stephanie: Abracadabra!

R.V.: -is blasted to bits:

Kaitlin: What was that all about?

Stephanie: Muahah!

Steve: You...You killed my minion!

Stephanie: Yes.

Kaitlin: On with the show!

-antsinasnowstorm-

Steve: No! I won't do it!

Darren: Do I get a break this time?

Stephanie: ...Maybe...

Kaitlin: Welcome to the...TRIALS OF SHISH KEBAB! OWAH!

Stephanie: Trial one...

Kaitlin: Steve, you have to go and...Eat a cheese and pickle sandwich!

Steve: Ick.

Stephanie: Darren!

Darren: Meep.

Stephanie: Go and eat one too!

Darren: NUUU!

**AT A LOCAL RESTAURANT **

Darren and Steve: -are force fed pickle and cheese sandwiches-

Steve: But I'm lactose intolerant!

**AT THE STUDIO**

Kaitlin: Yummy?

Darren: Not quite.

Steve: BLEH! –sticks out tongue-

Stephanie: Well, there's no need to be so immature about it, _Steve_!

Steve: Humph.

Kaitlin: Second trial!

Steve: WAIT!

Stephanie: More excuses?

Steve: Um...Trials are against my religion?

Crickets: -chirp-

Kaitlin: ...Moving on!

Stephanie: Trial two: Paint your fingernails black.

Kaitlin: Weren't your fingernails black?

Stephanie: Shh...

**AT A MALL**

Darren and Steve: -get their nails painted-

Kaitlin: Why didn't you just do it, Steph? You're good at that.

Stephanie: Are you serious? I'm not touching their freakish nails!

Darren and Steve: -return-

Darren: My dignity has just dropped by fifty percent...Well, more than it already has. You'll never guess who I saw in there.

Everyone: -investigate-

Mr. Crepsley: GET THOSE CAMERAS OUT OF MY FACE!

Stephanie: So that's where he got to...Larten! Larten, come back here! We have more complimentary pens for you! -chases Mr. Crepsley-

**AT THE STUDIO**

Stephanie, Darren, and Steve: -walk back on stage-

Stephanie: Now where did Kaitlin go?

Kaitlin: -pops out from behind curtain- Here I am!

Darren: What's with the change of clothes?

Kaitlin: -is garbed in tan pants and a black shirt- I'm Kim Possible!

Everyone: ...

Stephanie: That's good. On to our third–STEVE! Stop inching towards the exit!

Steve: -stops and smiles innocently- I wasn't!

Silence.

Steve: -suddenly makes a break for the door-

Ninja: -pops out of nowhere- OWAH! –tackles Steve to the ground-

Steve: EEEEEK! OH MY GOD, YOU JUST GOT MY DESIGNER TRENCHCOAT DIRTY!

Everyone: ...

Kaitlin: That's one bipolar kid...

Stephanie: Can we _please_ move on to the next trial now?

Kaitlin: Yes. Steve, Darren, the currently absent Larten, sit down.

Mr. Crepsley: -poofs in- Oh, so you have control over me now?

Stephanie: Quite.

Kaitlin: Now, for the third Trial, you must make cheese and pickle shish kebabs!

Mr. Crepsley: Cheese and pickle? What an utterly odd combination. -ponders-

Darren: Odd in a bad way...

Steve: I'm feeling extremely abused right now.

Stephanie: God, Steve! Go take some Abilify!

Copyright Infringement Demons: ABILIFY IS OWNED BY ABILIFY. HAVING BIPOLAR DISORDER IS HARD. I CONSTANTLY HAVE MOOD SWINGS, SUDDEN BURSTS OF HIGH ENERGY, AND GET IRRITATED EASILY. ABILIFY HAS HELPED. ABILIFY. SIDE AFFECTS MAY INCLUDE FAINTING, HEART ATTACKS, STROKES, THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE, AND/OR SUDDEN DEATH.

-antsinasnowstorm-

**BACK STAGE**

Darren, Mr. Crepsley, and Steve: -are grilling shish kebabs-

Mr. Crepsley: It smells quite satisfying to me.

Darren: I never understood how you can use such large vocabulary without ever learning to read. That's messed up. I _do_ know how to read, hell I _write_ for a living (in the distant future), and yet I have a smaller vocabulary than you.

Mr. Crepsley: I so did not learn it from Arra during some very embarrassing moments I will not mention. -shifty eyes-

Steve: Why do we have to wear these stupid aprons?

Steve's Apron: Bite Me I'm Transylvanian

Darren's Apron: Vampires Suck

Mr. Crepsley's Apron: Kiss The Cook

Kaitlin: Why doesn't Larten's fit the vampire theme?

Stephanie: -shrugs- I couldn't find anymore good jokes.

Arra: -burst through door-

Security Guards: -tail her-

Arra: LAARTEEEEN!

Mr. Crepsley: Arra, baby!

Arra: Love the apron.

Mr. Crepsley: Thank you, sweetie.

Arra: I'd love it better if you weren't wearin--

Stephanie: -pushes Arra off cliff- Goodbye!

Darren: Oh, and you only respect her...Right...Right...

Mr. Crepsley: Are you being sarcas--

Steve: I'm being ignored!

Kaitlin: Okay then, Steve.

Cameras: -close up of Steve-

Kaitlin: What would you like to tell us?

Steve: -laughs nervously, waves at camera- Um...hello...STOP IT! You're embarrassing me!

**ON STAGE**

Stephanie: Alright. We're running out of time and Cheesey doesn't want to type anymore, so we're going to go really fast!

Kaitlin: TRIAL NUMBER FOUR!

Stephanie and Kaitlin: -throw shish kebabs at Steve, Darren, and Mr. Crepsley-

Darren, Mr. Crepsley, and Steve: OH MY BLEEPIDY BLEEP!

Mother Goose: -poofs in- Don't use that tone with me, mister!

Darren, Mr. Crepsley, and Steve: ...

Stephanie: TRIAL NUMBER FIVE! -pushes Darren, Larten, and Steve off a cliff-

Darren: This is so unfair! Next time, I'm making someone else the main character!

Steve: My trenchcoat! NOOO! That was my whole life savings plus some loans I can't even afford!

Mr. Crepsley: Here I come, Arra, baby!

Stephanie: If you survive, you win!

Kaitlin: We'll see you next time on TRIALS OF SHISH KEBAB: A NEW TALKSHOW!

**-Sigh- That took such a long time. Sorry for the wait. This chapter wasn't particularly wonderfully spectacular in my opinion...But, it had its moments, right? Right?!**

**Whoa! 1,200 words on Word! Eight pages. I'm proud!**


End file.
